Yes, we know Wimbledon started yesterday. Did you? Honestly — did you? It doesn't get really interesting until Thursday, anyway, so, shhh. Here's Deadspin's tennis correspondent, the deuce-dropper himself, Dylan Stableford, to let you know what is the what. Why, hello, tennis fans! And welcome to the 2010 Deadspin Wimbledon Preview. Sure, there are plenty of compelling storylines that will unfurl over the next two weeks, but only a rarefied few discerning Deadspin readers really care about. Here's a rough guide to the funky fortnight: Will Venus Williams wear lingerie and/or skin-colored panties?
Answer: Lingerie? Not likely. After causing an international incident at the French Open with her naughty maid outfit (CBS News' headline: " Venus Williams' French Open Outfit: Is She Naked? (Pictures)") she said she would retire the garb, but not before complementing her parents genes for giving her a bodacious backside. "The design has nothing to do with the rear," she said after losing in Paris. "It just so happens that I have a very well developed one. It's all genetic." Venus added: "That was never the objective. It's really about the illusion. Like you can wear lace, but what's the point of wearing lace when there's just black under. The illusion of just having bare skin is definitely for me a lot more beautiful. Lace has never been done before in tennis, and I've been wanting to do it for a long time." What's up with that chick who got breast reduction surgery? Is she playing?
Oh you mean Simona Halep, the 18-year-old Romanian who disappointed legions of teen boys during their important self-discovery years by reducing her cup size to 34C from an unwieldy 34DD. Halep lost in the first round to Samantha Stosur in Paris, and sadly she won't have the opportunity to bounce back at the All England Club. Will Nadal lose on purpose just so he can watch the World Cup?
Believe it or not, this is a legitimate question being bandied about by tennis fans and media — and that was before the All England Club said it would not allow any World Cup matches to be shown on the grounds. Top-seeded Roger Federer "joked that he would install a TV screen on Centre Court so he can watch Switzerland's soccer team play in the World Cup during his first-round match." (Federer was so concerned about Switzerland's Group H match with Chile that he almost lost to 65th-ranked Alejandro Falla in a five-set first rounder Monday.) But Nadal's love for soccer is borderline fanatical. His uncle played professional soccer. And when Switzerland beat Spain, Nadal made a point to find Federer so he could "congratulate him for the football." And "at exactly the time a certain soccer tournament was getting under way in South Africa, Rafael Nadal faced the first of two match points" in his third round loss to Feliciano Lopez at the Queen's Club in London. Vuvuzelas? The All England Club banned those, too. (Yet Victoria Azarenka's shrieking is somehow allowed to continue.) Will we get another epic men's final?
Considering the last two finals have been among the top 5 or 10 matches in the history of the sport, it would seem unlikely. But the prospect of another Federer-Nadal final (the tennis equivalent of Team Edward-Team Jacob) is always compelling. After his first round match with Kei Nishikori – a player most notable for being sponsored by Cup O' Noodles — Nadal has an exceedingly tough draw, with beatable but dangerous names like James Blake, John Isner in the early rounds, and Robin Soderling, Andy Murray and Fernando Verdasco all on his side of the draw. The toughest test Federer would face is a rematch with Roddick or Novak Djokovic in the semis. Does Andy Murray have a shot? And should we care? Same question is asked every year. And every year Murray manages to disappoint. And he hasn't done much to make anyone think any differently, save for getting his girlfriend back after she apparently ditched him over his video game addiction. Even Scots are getting tired of him. Not only that, this is the first time in Wimbledon's 133-year history that not one English men's singles player is in the main draw. You can bet Britain's 74-year Cubs-like record for futility is intact. How about the dude that choked his opponent? Is he in?
Oh, that wacky Austrian Stefan Koubek! Yeah, he faces Jarkko Nieminen – which kind of sounds like a hockey goon — in the first round. Fingers crossed! What about Roddick? There's been a lot of talk about the respect and goodwill Andy Roddick accrued in losing to Federer 16-14 in the fifth last year. To even reach the men's final, he'd have to face down Federer – who he's 2-19 against lifetime — in the semifinals. Despite titles in Indian Wells and Miami, Roddick has been in something of a slump. And judging from her Twitter feed, his wife, Brooklyn Decker, has been slumping, too: "My flip flop just slipped on a wet patch… A trash can broke my fall… My purse flew into it and my arm followed. Gross." Is it over for Sharapova and Ivanovic? No, and probably. Despite losing to Justine Henin in Paris, Sharapova has played well this spring, showing signs that her surgically-repaired shoulder no longer affects her strokes. Plus, she prefers the hard trim of Wimbledon. That said, she would likely face fellow-Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Daniela Hantuchova in the third round and defending champion Serena Williams in the fourth round. Ivanovic, on the other hand, has shown little of the talent and none of the mental toughness her buttery-skin once held. She won't even be favored in her first round match against Israel's Shahar Peer. Will she at least be allowed to curtsy to the royal box? Why yes, yes she will.
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